


don't wake it up (it's hard for me to make it sleep again)

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Mentall Illness, also xingdae if you squint, depression and anxiety, heavy depiction of mental illness, its just baekhyun centric, its more focused on baekhyun's friendship w ot9, there isn't any romance in this, this is a damn mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-04 07:45:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10271723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: baekhyun's lost his way and he refuses to acknowledge it.





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> here's to hoping i go through with finishing this fic, it hits a little too close to home for my comfort but. we'll ignore that  
> OH and the aura thing is what really started this so it'll be mentioned often enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baekhyun doesn't want to admit there's something so very wrong with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a terrible tendency of starting chaptered fics and never finishing them, so hopefully i don't lose inspiration for this one which i do!! have completely planned out. this first one is A lot longer than i thought

baekhyun’s questionably unhealthy habits easily outnumber his healthy habits (actually he’s quite sure he can list one healthy habit of his for every thirty _unhealthy_ habits), the way he treats himself however remains at the top of the list of unhealthy habits baekhyun can’t seem to shake. he can’t help it though, it’s hard to continuously treat yourself in a relatively ideal manner when the view you have of yourself is below mediocre, thus it’s easier for him to treat himself as easily discarded trash (and to allow others to do the same). it was lonely at first, feeling the beginnings of whatever is wrong with him drag him into its embrace, but it’s not so lonely anymore. tucking parts of himself into the comfort of his own skin rather than allow those he loves see him that way has become second nature to him. the suffocating feeling of absolute failure no longer feels like an unwelcome guest, sitting at the base of his throat ready to rise up and spill out of him, but more like a piece of him that cannot be expelled. in the months following to when this sense of wrongness he gets when he thinks of himself he finds that it’s not easier to cope with, just easier to stifle and pretend it doesn’t exist under watchful eyes. he would be able to let it out once he’s safely and irrevocably alone.

 

what baekhyun cannot do however, is take a break from his career in search of an answer to his problem, no it would go away as it always did. this strange feeling made a home for itself within baekhyun every once in a while, it never got particularly _bad_ per-se, but it was bad enough to leave baekhyun feeling hollow for months at end. it is true however that the last time it struck baekhyun was right before debut, but instead of leaving him hollow baekhyun felt like he was teeming with anxiety, some days it was too hard to do basic tasks such as basic hygiene and self care, food seemed like an eternity away and he was never hungry, this lasted for two months. two months of sleepless nights spent staring up at the ceiling of the dorm he shared with another person, praying said person would not notice how often baekhyun is up so late, tossing and turning, fear clawing itself up baekhyun’s body like a fever unwilling to break. he prayed his roommate would not notice his heaving breaths some nights when he finds it within himself to actually _breathe,_ after having one of his fits. two months of this and baekhyun prides himself on how easily he kept it hidden from the members who had their own doubts and worries, up until he woke up one day feeling less brimming with the irrational fear of everything surrounding him, and eventually after a while it emptied out of him, leaving him okay again. 

 

so far however, it’s been six months of a downward spiral in baekhyun’s mental health and he fears giving it a name because giving it a name will make it tangible, inescapable, _real_ , and he doesn’t think he’s ready to admit to himself he has a problem. maybe if he tells himself it will go away that will make it truly go away? he’s tired of this, tired of getting a handful of hours of sleep in a week, tired of pushing himself to get out of bed, to wash his clothes, to brush his teeth, to brush his hair, to _wash_ his hair, all tasks so inexplicably easy and mandatory to function like a proper human being are so out of reach for him, mustering enough energy to get out of bed is draining enough, everything else just pulls and pulls at him until there’s nothing left of him anymore. some days, he doesn’t even accomplish these trivial tasks, he just stays in bed and hopes time will pass more quickly than it’s frustratingly slow pace, he calls in sick and turns off his phone so to seem like he’s ‘resting’ and no one worries too much. 

 

when the deafening silence of his own apartment leaves his ears ringing he finds it in himself to be able to, for the first time that day, get out of bed and take _something_ to help him sleep, usually alcohol but sometimes it was the sleeping pills he actually allowed himself to be prescribed for. days like this rarely hit baekhyun, that is until he hit the three month mark of his slump, from the three month mark to the present moment these days have been gradually increasing from once every two months, to twice every two months, to once every two weeks, to once every week, to almost daily now. it’s also been steadily getting harder to breathe under the weight of his burdens, it was mildly uncomfortable at first but now it’s toilsome and ineluctable.

 

on the third day baekhyun finds himself in bed, finally starting to drift on and off into sleep and unable to summon the energy to even look at his phone, which was strewn somewhere on his sad excuse of a mattress, there is a knock on his door. he tries to remember any important dates, did he have anything scheduled? but his mind comes up blank, so he assumes this is a surprise visit. baekhyun feints sleep in an attempt to ignore the incessant knocking at his apartment door, but it was excruciating to listen to with his already pounding headache that comes with seventy-two hours without sleep, baekhyun groaned, but still made no move to get out of the bed he’s holed himself into. suddenly however, the knocking stops and for a moment baekhyun is relieved, for his pulsing headache seemed to subside slightly without the extra background noise. he let out a sigh and wished, not for the first time that day, that he could simply just melt into his bedsheets and desist from existing. he thinks of the last time he had eaten, it had to be more than twenty-four hours ago because he hadn’t moved from his bed at all after that, if the dent underneath his body was of any indication, he’s lost track, he doesn’t even remember what it was he ate the last time he _did_ eat.

 

his thoughts were interrupted by the abrupt and recognizable sound of his door lock turning, his tired eyes flit to the direction of his door. it was not just his lack of energy keeping baekhyun from getting out of bed, but his fear, his fear of having to deal with yet another entire day with himself hiding what’s wrong with him, he’s far past the stage where he can pretend properly in public. the one thing baekhyun is not worried about however is the identity of the person breaking into his house because he is sure it’s one of his members, considering they are the only ones with the knowledge of where his spare key is. 

 

for a moment, before the door is opened baekhyun feels like he’s going to have yet _another_ anxiety attack, none of his friends should see him in this beyond pitiful state, but he can’t do anything about it, not when they’re here in his apartment that hasn’t been cleaned for _far_ too long, and not when baekhyun hasn’t prepared himself for the amount of pretending he needs to do in order to not worry them. he is afraid of who is at the door. luckily baekhyun remembers he not only has his door locked, but the chain lock locked as well, so no one may enter unless baekhyun himself physically opens the door, and that doesn’t seem to be happening soon.

 

“baekhyun! i know you’re in there…why won’t you open the door? we haven’t heard from you in _days_!” the voice on the other side is muffled through the walls, and the distance between baekhyun’s bed and the door, but he hears him all the same. baekhyun chooses to stay silent, he can’t speak to anyone in this state, they can’t see him like this, oh _god they can’t see him like this, they can’t see him like this, they can’t see him like this, they can’t see him like this-_

 

“baekhyun, _please_ at least answer your phone, we’re all worried…” the voice at the other side, _junmyeon,_ pleaded, his voice laced with obvious worry and some sadness that made baekhyun not only feel like shit, it made baekhyun realize he didn’t remember when he had last seen the other members, was it three days? more? a week? and his phone has been turned off so they truly had no way to contact him, for all they knew he could have been dead in a ditch. baekhyun winced at how terrible he’s become at not only basic hygiene, but also basic communication. in attempt to make himself feel better he reminded himself that he really hasn’t been himself recently, so his behavior is excusable…right? 

 

“just, let us know you’re safe at least. text us, or if you’re up for it come down for some drinks with us, please baekhyun.” junmyeon begs on the other side of the door and baekhyun wonders if he’s given up, if his tone dropping to a whisper at the end of that is any indication. how long would it be till they _all_ gave up on him? wouldn’t that be easier on him, living with the knowledge that he is no longer a burden in their lives? it wouldn’t be hard either, push and push and push until they’re all gone and he’ll be left to wallow in misery without the added fear of his friends worrying for him, but for some reason baekhyun finds that even harder to do. he _loves_ his friends, and as selfish as it is he wants to keep them close. he knows how _exploitive_ that would be, but he can’t bring himself to let go.

 

that’s why, for the first time in days, baekhyun makes a move to get out of bed. it’s unimaginably _hard,_ the tethers that seemingly held stationary in bed never faltered, something was tugging him back down into bed, the warm and forgiving embrace of his bed, where his faults are not shameful anymore, just _there._ baekhyun wants nothing more than to just sprawl back onto his mattress, but he thinks of junmyeon’s voice etched with worry and baekhyun pushes himself out of bed. his legs are noodle like and limp, and each step takes a conscious effort, _one leg in front of the other, one leg in front of the other, one leg in front of the other, one leg in front of the other._

 

eventually, with much effort, baekhyun found himself in his bathroom, his body _reeked_ of the odor that only comes with days of neglecting to wash his body, which he realizes is horrifically disgusting but it doesn’t evoke a newfound motivation to better care for himself. he catches sight of himself in his mirror and finds himself flinching, he’s lost a substantial amount of weight, the weariness and exhaustion is too evident on his face, his skin looks paper thin, the veins underneath peeking through as if to say _look at how neglected this body is!_ and baekhyun turns away, unable to stand looking at his reflection. he undresses and turns the shower water to a scalding temperature in hopes of melting away whatever it is that plagues his body and soul.

 

unsure as to why, baekhyun suddenly recalls a psychology class about auras. why he was remembering something he took over five years ago remains a mystery to him but it made him think of his aura. what would it be now? he tries to remember what each color stood for, and what his aura color was guessed to be. _white._ that was the color they guessed to be his aura, but what did it stand for? he wracked his brain in hopes of remembering this small detail, but to no avail. 

 

baekhyun finally summoned the courage to look at his phone, only to be bombarded with texts and calls left missed, another familiar wave of guilt washes over baekhyun, his friends truly deserved better than the way he treats them. he quickly texts something along the lines of, _i’m on my way, sorry haven’t been feeling too well, had my phone shut off for a few days,_ and baekhyun is out the door. the familiar fear inches its’ way up baekhyun’s gut and settles there, unmoving and he hopes he can be back home before it acts up again and renders him helpless as another fit of his comes crashing down on him.

 

_please, let me get through this one night._

 

-

 

the bar they chose to go to that night was considerably empty, which works in their favor after all, being one of the largest groups in the industry doesn’t allow them to drink publicly as much as they’d like to. even with the emptiness of the bar baekhyun feels suffocated, he feels himself closing in on himself, _oh god oh god oh god, i’m not gonna make it i’m gonna have a meltdown again and this time it’ll be in front of everyone there’s nothing i can do to stop it, oh god fuck fuck this was the worst-_

 

“baekhyun? did you hear me?” a voice cuts into his thoughts, dissolving whatever was building up and suddenly baekhyun wanted nothing more than to kiss the speaker. baekhyun looked up into the direction of the voice, _yixing’s,_ and willed himself to pay attention again.

 

“i’m sorry, i was just…distracted, what were you saying?” baekhyun replies sheepishly, his voice sounding as dejected as he felt, _please don’t let them notice, please,_ and to his surprise yixing didn’t comment, but the expression flashing across his features told him that the other man knew there was something up.

 

“i was asking what you wanted to drink.” yixing repeated.

 

“oh, anything’s fine i guess, i’ll have whatever you’re having.”

 

“alright then, we’ll have…” yixing’s voice trailed off as he spoke to the waiter, and baekhyun stared at yixing, thinking of what his aura would be like, (on the way to the bar baekhyun took it upon himself to look up aura meanings to try and remember why they guessed his aura as white and now he can’t stop thinking about it), yixing seems like his aura would be (according to the website he was on) an orange-yellow, _creative, intelligent, detail oriented, perfectionist, scientific, all seem to fit yixing’s personality._

 

“so baekhyun, mind telling us what’s been up with you?” kyungsoo asks, and silence befalls the table, all eye are on him and baekhyun has to fight off the, once again, rising feeling of pure panic. 

 

“oh, it’s nothing i think i caught something, and i’ve been so stressed lately, i guess i needed the time off. i’m sorry for worrying you.” the lie feels heavy on his tongue, but he manages to flash an easy-going smile at them. _please don’t notice that i am quite literally on the verge of falling apart again, please don’t notice how much weight i’ve lost in the past few months, please don’t note how exhausted my voice sounds, please don’t mention how_ exhausted _my face looks, even after attempting to reduce any signs of exhaustion, please believe i’m okay._

 

“oh, well we were worried something had happened to you,” a quiet laugh of relief, “we’ve missed you baekhyunnie.” jongdae is speaking now, and baekhyun can’t help the pounding in his head anymore, he _needs_ a drink before it becomes too much to handle. luckily, the drinks arrived just then, and without a second thought baekhyun took a long sip at his own drink, not caring that he hadn’t eaten at all for the past few days, he needed this distraction. the thought of being able to sleep later at night brought baekhyun the comfort to finish his first glass.

 

and his second.

 

and his third.

 

and his fourth.

 

by his fifth empty cup baekhyun felt the strings he kept a tight leash on completely let go, it was like an out of body experience, watching himself getting exceedingly get drunk. with each sip his tongue became looser and looser, until he was spilling the truth he had been holding onto so dearly in him for so long.

 

“so,” _hiccup_ , “it’s been what, like..” he trails off, thinking, “like… _months_ since this started youkno-“ _hiccup,_ “can’t sleep much, rarely fucking eat, it’s a miracle i got out of bed,” he laughs bitterly, “been three days since the last time i got outta bed properly, canyabelieve?” his words bled into one another, but it was too late, the others understood.

 

baekhyun remembers glimpses after that. the others deciding they’ve had one too many drinks. someone carrying him up to his apartment. said person noting the filth baekhyun’s let fester in his apartment.

 

_“well considering i’m never out of bed, it’s understandable.”_

  

-

 

baekhyun doesn’t remember when he slept, he doesn’t remember who let him into his apartment, but what he’s sure of is how royally screwed he is, not only did he completely fail to conceal his _problem,_ he was sure they wouldn’t keep this to themselves, not when it affects him this greatly. so when baekhyun saw that junmyeon texted him to say they need to talk as soon as possible baekhyun wanted nothing more than to truly die. he had _one_ task, _one fucking thing,_ and he couldn’t keep it to himself. 

 

how would he bring himself to pick himself out of bed and face the consequences of what he had done? 

 

-

 

“baekhyun, we talked about this yesterday after your ah-“ he faltered, “ _episode,_ shall we say? and we thought it would be best if you took some time off for yourself,” junmyeon silenced any argument baekhyun attempted to vocalize by raising his voice slightly, “your mental health is only getting worse, and god knows all our mental healths are less than ideal, but you’ve taken it to another level of bad and we’re all worried. it’s ultimately your decision, but you _need_ this baekhyun. don’t think we didn’t notice the amount of weight you’ve lost in the past months, or how the amount of days you call in ‘sick’ continue to gradually increase, or how tired you look, because we have, we just wanted you to _talk_ to us, to tell us what’s wrong so we can help you, but you’ve let this facade up for far too long, take an indefinite hiatus, we’ll still be here when you get better.” junmyeon was out of breath by the end of his speech, and baekhyun found himself tearing up, this wasn’t the way things were supposed to go, he was supposed to just get better like he always had, so _why_ hadn’t he? 

 

this leave would devastate fans, but more importantly it would devastate those around him, in turn devastating him all over again, this meant that he was taking a step in the direction of giving whatever it is that won’t leave him _alone_ a name, and baekhyun fears it’s what he assumed it to be from the start. 

 

“please, do this for yourself. let yourself heal, baekhyun.” and baekhyun could hear the raw unadulterated pain in junmyeon’s voice, how could he allow himself to ever let others worry about him in such a way?

 

 _if you had done as you should have, by pushing them away, this wouldn’t be a problem, but as always it’s_ your _fault, did you expect otherwise?_

 

-

 

by mid-afternoon, it was everywhere. 

 

**_Byun Baekhyun to Take Indefinite Hiatus from EXO._ **

 

**_EXO’s Baekhyun to Take Hiatus Due to Deteriorating Mental Health._ **

 

**_Another Member Expected to Leave? EXO’s Baekhyun Announces Hiatus From Group._ **

 

he couldn’t stand the disappointment he felt in every comment and every reply, he couldn’t stand the sympathetic text messages and phone calls that left his phone vibrating every minute, so he did what he always did; shut it off. baekhyun stumbled back into his dirty apartment and collapsed into bed, allowing himself to let the tears fall this time. 

 

he’s lost his way, without any sense of how to get back, and he doesn’t see how this newfound abundance of time alone would help him, rather than aggravate the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> criticism and feedback is always appreciated!!


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first month of baekhyun's hiatus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no matter how many times i rewrote minseok's part it still didn't satisfy me so i'm Sorry in advance ;-;

the first few weeks prove to be the hardest, existing is a chore baekhyun doesn’t care to take care of and do properly, but what pushed him to at least _semi_ take care of himself was the knowledge that he would be facing actual people and thus has to play his act. now that there’s nothing he has to do, he just gets worse and worse, spending even _more_ days on end in his bed unmoving and lost in thoughts. he’s lost count of the amount of anxiety attacks that have been plaguing him in a constant loop after the announcement of his hiatus. 

 

the hiatus, baekhyun doesn’t know how to feel. on one hand, it’s so much easier not having to pretend to be okay when his entire life is falling apart before him, but on the other hand it leaves him so much more time to continuously pick himself apart. he spent years carefully stitching himself back together and one by one the pieces of him fell out of their place. 

 

he doesn’t have it in him to pick up the pieces anymore, especially not when it felt like every time he picked up a piece of himself up, five more fell in its place. all this trouble for what? little old baekhyun? why would he put the time in fixing himself when he can’t bring himself to believe he is anything but repulsive.

 

and he is _tired,_ baekhyun is so exhausted of living, he’s so exhausted of breathing. it is _never_ enough, this _thing_ in him it just takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left for it to take anymore. it’s terrifying, he doesn’t even feel like a real fucking person, and the urge to just end it all and put himself out of his misery is always with him, at this point he’s not even sure what’s stopping him. his friends? his family? his fans? they’d be devastated, but they’d move on.

 

baekhyun has given up and it hasn’t even been a full _month_ since his hiatus, one that won’t end until he braves face and fakes it long enough for them to believe he’s okay enough to go back, but even then baekhyun isn’t even sure if this is what he wants anymore. he loves singing, he loved what he did, but now it’s like an old memory, it’s too blurry for him to remember what it actually felt like to _enjoy_ what he was doing, instead of it feeling like a chore.

 

he closes his eyes and tries to bring back the feeling he had when he first started singing, hell eventually he _started_ singing in hopes maybe feeling something, anything that reminds him of why he started in the first place, but nothing happened. with a sigh, he dropped the matter, nothing good would come of trying to bring something up that very well may never exist within him again. music, to him, was the candle that kept him aflame, music sparked something in him nothing and no _one_ was capable of coming close to, and thinking about the fact that that flame could very well be extinguished made baekhyun feel even more sad than he was before.

 

his eyes found the clock across from his bed, the complete silence in his bedroom allowed the _tick tock_ sound of the clock seemingly bounce of the walls, and echo in baekhyun’s ears until it left them ringing loud enough for him to clutch his face in his hands and sob.

 

//

 

baekhyun doesn’t remember the last time he checked his phone properly, he doesn’t even recall the last time he found himself asleep hell, he doesn’t even know what _day_ it was, let alone the time. it all bled into one excessively long day that never ended. not that baekhyun cared really, he wasn’t doing much but nibbling on some food he put beside his bed so he wouldn’t have to actively move out of bed every few days to get something to eat. his apartment is still dreadfully messy, and the dent in his bed will never be filled, baekhyun’s (albeit continuously _decreasing)_ weight was pressed up against it for days on end.

 

sometime in the third week however, someone knocked on his door. baekhyun could feel himself groaning, but even if he wanted to open up, he couldn’t summon any energy to. he stared in the direction of his door, eyes stinging.

 

a moment later, his phone rang. it was an effort to reach for the phone. how could he reach such a low? finding things like fucking _reaching for his phone_ draining?

 

“hello?” baekhyun greeted hoarsely, he hadn’t needed to use his voice properly for a number of days. his throat burned with every syllable, he needed to drink water but the water was in his kitchen.

 

“baekhyun! why haven’t you opened the door?” junmyeon’s voice rings so _loudly_ in the silence surrounding him, baekhyun flinches away from the phone and rubs at his still tingling eyes.

 

“i,” baekhyun considered lying for a moment, but it for some reason he found himself telling the truth, “i can’t.” his voice breaks off into a whisper and it’s an effort to not retract his statement and fold this part of him into a dark corner until junmyeon is gone, but he doesn’t.

 

“i’m coming in.” he hung up. 

 

_he’s gonna see me like this. why did i say that, why did i say that, WHY DID I SAY THAT?_ baekhyun couldn’t stand it, he regretted the truth spilling through his mouth, it felt like the aftertaste bile left in his mouth after he threw up. _i’m gonna throw up, i can’t let him see me like this, can’t let him see me like this, can’t let him-_

 

he heard the unmistakable sound of his apartment door opening, and knew it was too late. junmyeon would see him in his horrid absolute _shit_ state, no _no._ how could he be stupid enough to say that? 

 

“baekhyun?” junmyeon’s voice rang through the silence of his apartment and echoed off the walls, his voice was laced with uncertainty and…worry? baekhyun was silent for a moment.

 

“in here.” he replied weakly, at first sure that his voice was too low for junmyeon to hear but a moment later junmyeon strode into the younger man’s room. he wishes he could shrink away from the other man’s gaze, as if suddenly realizing how revolting the state of his apartment is in. baekhyun feels his muscle memory already tucking parts of himself into the folds of his skin, hoping to cover the worst of it, but he’s not sure if this will suffice, not when junmyeon is standing there gaping at baekhyun.

 

“baek-“ his voice is heartbreaking, baekhyun turns away. maybe this is just a sick dream? he couldn’t have possibly let junmyeon in, not willingly, not in this state. the older man takes a step towards baekhyun and baekhyun realizes he’s shivering. he needs to get out, he needs to do _something._

 

he attempts to push himself off the bed clumsily, his legs feeling even _more_ like noodles. once he’s propped on both feet, he allows himself to look at junmyeon, at once regretting it because it was at that precise moment baekhyun’s legs gave in and he dropped to the floor. great, not even his own two feet could support the weight of him, not that he was heavy or anything, in fact baekhyun’s sure he looks even more like walking bones than he did when he decided to take the hiatus. junmyeon practically jumps across the room, scooping baekhyun’s limp body into his arms, and placing him back on the bed. 

 

_please, oh god don’t put me back there i’ll never get out of it._

 

he hadn’t realized he spoke that aloud. suddenly, he feels junmyeon placing baekhyun’s arm on his shoulder and his arm around the younger man’s waist. junmyeon let an audible gasp as he struggled to grasp onto baekhyun’s disappearing frame. baekhyun leaned into junmyeon’s embrace, he was so warm. so comforting, and suddenly baekhyun wanted nothing more than to nuzzle into junmyeon’s chest, he was so tired of being alone. why did it feel like his friends were so close to him, but miles away when he found he wanted to lean on them? why did it feel like a betrayal to tell them he’s not okay? 

 

and suddenly baekhyun is crying again, which escalates to sobbing, which escalates once more to heaving. he was having a meltdown, everything was so bad. it was so bad, _it was so bad, it’s so bad, so bad, bad._ junmyeon pulled baekhyun into his embrace, letting the younger man cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, until there was nothing left to pull out of him. baekhyun didn’t feel any better, just more empty, _more tired._

 

“i’m so, sorry junmyeon.” baekhyun breathed into the elder’s embrace. he could feel a wet patch on his shoulder, junmyeon’s sobs were skillfully masked by the other and baekhyun felt even worse. “god, i’m so sorry junmyeon.” baekhyun feels fucking useless, _useless, useless, useless, why are you surprised?_

 

_shut up._

 

junmyeon rises, tugging baekhyun with him. he steps into baekhyun’s room, and for the first time in weeks baekhyun could truly see what a repulsive state he was living in, the stench of the room was so strong baekhyun almost heaved. he felt like collapsing again. he was so weak, his body was so frail, his mind reflecting the frailness his body showed.

 

“i got you baekhyun, i got you.” junmyeon muttered reassurances into baekhyun’s ear as he brought him to the bathroom. baekhyun’s bathroom, unlike his room, was not as messy as he thought, though the fact that he rarely used it anymore explained why, there was nothing in his body to be taken in that could be excreted, which was without a doubt _extremely_ unhealthy but it didn’t bother him as much as it should have. 

 

“c’mon let’s get you cleaned up.” with that being said junmyeon helped prop baekhyun’s body up as he urged the younger to brush his teeth, baekhyun almost cried again, how fucking _pathetic._

 

after that was done, junmyeon helped baekhyun undress the clothes he’s had on for much longer than he’d like to admit, and then helped him into the shower. baekhyun wanted to scream, _it’s not supposed to be this way! my friends aren’t supposed to be helping me fucking_ shower.

 

“baekhyun, do you want me to stay here? in case anything happens i mean, or will you manage?” junmyeon’s eyes squint slightly, baekhyun can see the crease forming between his eyebrows and he longs to tell him to stop worrying, to tell him he’ll be okay. baekhyun says nothing but he betrays his instinct to push and push and push until junmyeon is gone, and finds himself nodding, bottom lip quivering. 

 

baekhyun showers with little issues, his legs continued to shake and by the end of his shower he was out of breath, but junmyeon was there right beside him, covering the younger man with a towel. baekhyun couldn’t shake the feeling that the tether that kept him grounded was increasingly disappearing, he doesn’t recall the last time his feet felt firm on the ground, but with junmyeon there it was as close as he could get to feeling grounded. so baekhyun clung, not hating the feeling of being tethered to this life, not when junmyeon was there.

 

they spent the rest of the day together, junmyeon slowly (but surely) coaxing baekhyun into talking as they tidied up his apartment, or at least _tried_ to. baekhyun knew junmyeon rarely kept his _own_ area clean, so he must be agonizingly fussing over baekhyun, and there it was, that tug of guilt that continued to build and build in baekhyun until he felt as though he were going to explode at any given moment. 

 

“please, don’t tell them how bad it is.” baekhyun’s voice slipped through his normal tone and into a soft almost whispery tone. having _one_ of his friends know just how excruciatingly bad things have become was enough. junmyeon studied baekhyun, his piercing gaze felt like he was studying him and baekhyun couldn’t help but shy away from him, cheeks heating up. it was a long time before junmyeon spoke.

 

“i won’t tell them how bad it’s gotten, but baekhyun you’re our _friend,_ we love you, and in the end we want your happiness and health above all. what i’m trying to say is, trust us a little more, lean on us more, confide in us, let us share the burden you carry with you so silently.” the elder’s eyes softened as he reached out to grab ahold of baekhyun’s hand and squeeze it reassuringly. it took all of baekhyun’s self control to not have yet _another_ one of his meltdowns right then and there. 

 

**_pink-bright and light: loving, tender, sensitive, sensual, artistic, affection, purity, compassion._ **

 

//

 

baekhyun still refuses to give what’s happening to him a name. he’s still not ready to admit the problem he’s facing has metastasized drastically.

 

junmyeon, still the only one of his friends who knows how bad everything truly is, checks in on baekhyun daily. sometimes he spends the better part of the morning persuading baekhyun out of bed, or to eat, or to shower. after a few days junmyeon seems like his crutch (and of course the elder refuses to allow baekhyun to complain about it, “i’ll be your _crutch_ until you can stand on your own without me.”) and they fall into a cycle. for a few hours a day baekhyun is out of bed with junmyeon, but the moment junmyeon takes his leave baekhyun feels himself receding into the pit inside himself where the _thing_ dwelled, biding its time until it can get its claws around baekhyun’s throat and pull him down into its embrace.

 

and he hated it, he hated the feeling of being semi dependent on another person for his comfort, no matter how slight this comfort may be. 

 

towards the end of the first month, when baekhyun lay in bed waiting for junmyeon, the doorbell rung through his apartment. baekhyun didn’t fail to notice that the ringing in his ears didn’t seem as soul crushing anymore, maybe this meant he was on his way to-

 

no. he would not hope for that. hoping meant expectation, and baekhyun’s expectation’s always resulted in disappointments. if he were to hope, only to be disappointed once more, there would be nothing left of him to recover, so _no,_ he will not hope for something better.

 

baekhyun stared at his phone on the other side of the bed, plugged into the charger uselessly (it wasn’t like he used it very much anymore). he grabbed it and pushed himself out of bed, trying to ignore the voice in him that told him to ignore the guest until they left, that the comfort of his bed would be more appealing, and that wouldn’t shut _up._

 

baekhyun opened the door to be greeted by a smiling minseok. 

 

_minseok?_

 

“i know you weren’t expecting me but, junmyeon is busy so i thought i’d come over instead, and _no_ he hasn’t spilled whatever secret you two refuse to tell the rest of us, or why you won’t see anyone but him - which by the way, i take offense to - but, i could see he fussed over coming here daily and well, i brought food?” minseok rambled when he was nervous, which baekhyun usually found endearing had it not been for the fear that overcame him at that moment. for a while they just stared at each other awkwardly, until baekhyun realized minseok had been waiting for him to invite him in.

 

“ _oh,_ come in?” as soon as its out baekhyun wants to slap himself for the way it sounds, but baekhyun is afraid. he had just become comfortable with junmyeon’s presence around the present, less than ideal version of himself, what if something happens while minseok is here? if how bad things are become clarified to minseok too how long until the other men show up at his apartment one by one and find out as well?

 

his worries are set aside when minseok calls his name, and places the takeout he brought on the table. it’s awkward, sitting with minseok after the time spent being distant, but eventually after they (minseok) talk for a while, baekhyun finds it’s easier to breathe.

 

“so i _told_ chanyeol to not badger kyungsoo but he wouldn’t listen. when he _did_ bother kyungsoo with the water, kyungsoo just took one big gulp of the water and spit it out onto chanyeol’s face.” minseok couldn’t contain his laughter, one that baekhyun found contagious and eventually he _too_ was laughing. how long has it been since he laughed like this? once he started, he found he couldn’t stop. his laugh was loud, uncontrolled, his head tipping back, and his hands clutching his stomach. it felt so good to laugh like this.

 

he’s _missed_ minseok dearly, but coming to him when baekhyun could barely even summon the energy to brush his teeth would not have done either of them any good. so when baekhyun feels the familiar sting of guilt, it doesn’t consume him as voraciously.

 

“i don’t suppose you’ll tell me what’s bothering you?” minseok comments, but there’s no bitterness in his tone, nothing that makes baekhyun’s guilt at the way he’s been neglecting his closest of friends asphyxiate him. minseok’s tone was soft, almost inviting and baekhyun almost caved and told him everything but he was already a burden to his friends _without_ them having the knowledge of the extent of his downward spiral. so instead, baekhyun stared down into his arms, shame threatening to overtake him completely. minseok however, would not allow that.

 

“hey, hey? listen to me, i may not know exactly what’s happening with you, but it still worries me. it worries me because these past few months you’ve been steadily disappearing, not just physically - which you definitely are, you’ve gotten so skinny my baekhyun,” minseok’s tone is comforting, but there’s a sad undertone to it that almost breaks baekhyun, “but your presence as a whole, i miss you, but i know there’s something so wrong with the way you feel. i don’t want to impose upon you, so i - like the other guys - am giving you as much space as possible. lean on me baekhyunnie. whatever _this_ is, you’ll get through it. i can’t promise that you’ll wake up tomorrow suddenly okay because that’s just not the way things work, it will take time so i can’t promise when it’ll be okay again, but it _will_ be. never forget that baekhyun you hear me? _this will not be forever, this is temporary._ in the meantime, we’re all here for you, we all want your absolute best and we will shoulder your burdens should you ever need to let it out.” 

 

baekhyun was speechless but before he could say anything, minseok brought him into his embrace. the two sat there for what felt like hours, but in actualities it was probably mere moments, it didn’t matter though. all baekhyun could think about was how much he _loved_ minseok. minseok, who sensed how bad things could be. minseok, who showed up at baekhyun’s doorstep not demanding answer, but only wanting to keep baekhyun company. minseok, who put into words everything he felt while baekhyun struggled to put a _fraction_ of how he felt. baekhyun had never wanted to stop time more than in this moment, wishes he could spend years here with minseok finally feeling safe after what felt like a millennia to baekhyun. which is why baekhyun sucks in a breath.

 

“minseok, i figure i should at least give you some _sort_ of explanation. things have been…so bad recently, i can’t even,” _breathe,_ “i can’t even begin to describe it, but i’m _trying_ okay? i’m trying everyday and i just…don’t want you guys to see me like this. i know it’s so terrible of me to neglect and seemingly ignore you guys but, i _couldn’t_ allow myself to show you where i was in life. i’m sorry, i will always be sorry and i’ll never forgive myself, but it’s something i can live with knowing the burden i impose isn’t as heavy as it actually is.” baekhyun doesn’t realize sometime when he was talking he shut his eyes, it takes a moment for him to open them but minseok lacing his hands into baekhyun’s shaking hands.

 

“it’s okay, please don’t beat yourself up over this, we understand. we always have.” 

 

the two spend their time talking and with every passing moment baekhyun feels the knot that wound itself in his chest loosen and loosen until, morning becomes noon and noon becomes mid afternoon, and mid afternoon becomes dusk, and dusk becomes a starry night. baekhyun doesn’t know how to thank minseok for his presence so he hopes his actions make up for his lack of an accurate enough vocabulary.

 

after minseok leaves, baekhyun settles into his bed but instead of holding him captive while forcing him to toss and turn all night, his mind working like clockwork to make him become increasingly hopeless, baekhyun finds himself slipping into sleep. he by no means slept enough (only a measly hour) but it had been the first time he had slept for a moment in a week.

 

he figures that means something is going right, but he can't help the bad feeling that settles into his bones when he wakes up, leaving him staring up at his ceiling. he can't stop feeling like something bad is going to happen soon, and he tries to put it out of his mind but it eats at him until it's all he can think about.

 

**_soft blue: seacefulness, clarity and communication; truthful; intuitive._ **


	3. three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> every time baekhyun thinks he's gonna be okay, it gets worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took SO long to finish...i've been so distracted and i mean...you can probably tell this isn't so easy to write often, i hope it's not as bad as i constantly feel it is.

it’s hard to continue breathing when baekhyun can’t find the oxygen he needs to breathe, but baekhyun’s been…some semblance of stable for the past few weeks, which may seem like an improvement, but to him it feels like whatever it is that lives inside him is biding its’ time until it sucks him right back into the dark hole he was in just a little less than a month ago. he tries to ignore the anxiety that gnaws at him day after day, he tries to focus on the fact that recently, getting out of bed is a less draining effort, that keeping himself clean and presentable most of the time has gotten colossally easier, he focuses on how much easier it is for him to remember to eat, to remember to clean his apartment, to remember that he’s an actual person most of the time.

 

and it works, for the most part. it’s impossible to forget the anxiety that continues to grow inside him like a secret he didn’t want to keep, but he finds ways to stifle it so it doesn’t become an all consuming, never ending feeling. he’s been going out more, sure he only goes to the grocery store beside his apartment, but it’s a start. he even found himself making plans with yixing to go see some new movie that’s playing at the theatre nearby. sure, he may not really want to go out but he has to. he knows the only reason he feels like he doesn’t want to go out is because of the _thing_ inside him whispering all the bad things about him he knows to be true, he knows this _thing_ becomes wildly active around others which makes him feel like he never lives up to what everyone wants him to be so it’s easier to ignore it when he’s in his bed. which is a lie in of itself, because he spends all night fixated on every flaw he can find in himself (of which he can write novels about) and picks it apart piece by piece. however there’s a difference between having a meltdown at three am alone and having a meltdown in the midst of a gathering with his friends, dragging the happy vibe they have going and burdening them once more.

 

baekhyun doesn’t want to think about the bad anymore. he’s getting better and he won’t question the nature of it, no matter how bad his anxiety gets about nothing, because he knows it’s nothing. 

 

at least he hopes it’s nothing.

 

//

 

the day he’s to meet with yixing, there’s a sinking feeling in his gut he can’t ignore. he wakes up from his pathetic two hour sleep (more like a nap than _actual_ sleep) and his chest feels constricted, breathing is a concept that floats farther and farther away from him, his hands won’t quit shaking, and his vision is flooded with black spots every now and then. he should call yixing and tell him he’s feeling sick, he should tell him that they need to reschedule, but baekhyun is reduced to tears of frustration, _no_ he won’t let this happen not today. he pushes himself out of bed, and every step he takes is shaky like broken glass that’s just barely held together, his stomach is playing games with him. 

 

_this cannot be happening, not now for fucks sake._ and still, he pushes himself, even catches himself when he falls on the way to the bathroom, and now his stomach’s really pushed itself to its’ limits. he tries to run to the bathroom and only barely gets to the toilet before he finds himself throwing up the contents of last night’s dinner up. once he’s done, he can’t summon the energy to move, so he lays on the bathroom floor, cheek on the cold floor tiles, with his own saliva spilling out of his mouth and mixing in with the tears that stream down his face. 

 

_it’s not fair._

 

_who said this would be fair?_ the voice inside him taunts and teases, it holds the image of his happiness tantalizingly close to his face, then snatches it from him to remind him how dark the hole he’s unwittingly dug for himself has become. 

 

it feels like hours before baekhyun finally peels his body off the bathroom floor, and pushes himself into his shower. the shower is turned onto a scaldingly hot temperature so he can pretend it’s burning away any trace of how bad it got just moments before.

 

junmyeon is still the only one who knows the extent of this downfall and minseok can only guess, but they check in on him regularly. if they can’t make it because of their busy schedules, they text him constantly, forcing him out of bed, to wash up, to eat, by making him show them pictures of all he’s doing, if they can find the time, they call him and make sure he’s up for the day. they couldn’t make it today, according to their texts, so they swamp his phone with angry texts and exclamation marks, he can’t ignore them so he does all they ask, too tired to think otherwise.

 

once there’s some food in him, and his energy is steadily increasing, he texts yixing to make sure they’re still on for the night. something in him is screaming at him not to go, but he ignores it as yixing confirms their plans and signs his texts by saying he misses him and he’s glad that baekhyun’s reached out to him like this. a smile tugs at baekhyun’s lips, and the feeling he had this morning shrinks back into a crevice under baekhyun’s skin.

 

//

 

yixing greets baekhyun with a hug, baekhyun doesn’t want to let go. his anxiety came back as he was heading out the door, he wore it on his sleeve and hoped it wouldn’t infringe upon his night with yixing. yixing who didn’t press the matter further than telling baekhyun he’s glad to see him again, he doesn’t mention the dozens of texts baekhyun didn’t respond to months ago. he lets it hang between them and strangely enough, it doesn’t make him feel bad anymore, of course he still feels bad he’ll never get rid of that guilt, but it’s easier to swallow now. yixing doesn’t push him, he doesn’t guilt him, he looks at him with his sleepy eyes and gives baekhyun a warm smile. he hopes it’ll melt the the weight of the ice he carries inside of himself, freezing all other warmth. 

 

“are you sure you want to watch this? we can watch anything you want you know.” yixing asks, and baekhyun almost doesn’t respond because in that moment, he could see black spots swimming in his vision, he caught himself from collapsing again.

 

_please fuck, not now…just let me get through this with him and then you can claim me but not now, please not now, please not now, not now, not now,_ he chants it in his mind, hoping it’ll suffice to calm whatever it is taking ahold of him again. he hated it. he hated not being in control of himself, he hated that _just_ when things were settling into some sort of structure it’s swept away by this strangely durable feeling of fucking worthlessness. he can’t think see straight, the room starts spinning, and he can hear someone calling his name but it’s so far. so…distant. he tries, he really tries to keep his head on straight but it’s impossible. he’s caught up in yet another anxiety attack that won’t let _go._ it’s grip is tight against his throat cutting off his air supply, and he wonders briefly if this could kill him. it wouldn’t be so bad wouldn’t it? after months of never ending despair and _loudness_ baekhyun could finally settle in comfortably, and quietly. so he hopes it kills him, hopes that for once it’ll do him good and put him out of his misery.

 

“baekhyun! _breathe,_ damn it!” strong hands grasp his shoulders and _shake._ his surroundings come back into focus, and he finds himself staring straight into yixing’s panic ridden eyes. he realizes he’s on the ground and he realizes what had just happened, he feels like he’s going to fall apart again. 

 

“i-” baekhyun tries to find the words to say, but they’re caught in his throat. he doesn’t know what to do, he hasn’t known what to do in so long. he feels so fucking stupid for getting caught up in the illusion that he’ll ever be okay. he can’t even go _out_ with one of his friends without worrying he’ll ruin it, his unpredictable nature will always hold him in check, this just proves it. he pretended to be okay, he ignored the constant tug he felt whilst pretending, and this is what it led to. he can’t even look yixing in the eye, what was he to say after ruining everything again?

 

“it’s okay you know? let’s get you home.” he can tell yixing is struggling to find the words to say because he is always cautious with his words, always tip toeing around the syllables and the words in hopes of getting across his meaning, and baekhyun knows. he wants to get down on his knees and apologize profusely. he feels so guilty and he knows it’ll eat him up for however long it decides to eat him up, which usually just means forever. the elder man helps steady him on his feet and they call a cab to take him home. yixing, always kind, always understanding yixing, he deserves better than this. it’s been months since they properly saw one another, and the one time they do baekhyun ruins it.

 

_like you ruin everything? why are you surprised at this point? is there anything good in your life you haven’t ruined?_

 

he wishes he could clear his mind, and sit in silence without the constant stream of thoughts pounding against his head and making it so insufferably loud his ears ring with the pressure of it, but he can’t.

 

//

 

the two of them step into baekhyun’s apartment and a wave of exhaustion washes over him and settles, refusing to separate from him. with how exhausted he is you’d think he’d manage to get more than a few hours of sleep every night at best. his chest ached with the thought of spending _yet another_ night tossing and turning. 

 

“will you be alright on your own? or do you want me to spend the night?” yixing’s voice cuts into the silence and baekhyun almost says no, but he can’t bear being alone again.

 

“ _please._ ” his voice cracks, and yixing nods. he can’t get the image of the raw panic he glimpsed in yixing’s eyes when he was quite literally shaken out of his anxiety attack. 

 

_i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m so fucking sorry._ baekhyun finds himself hoping yixing will understand the depth of his guilt, hopes he’ll understand just how sorry he is…and somewhere inside baekhyun, he knows yixing will. 

 

they settle into baekhyun’s bed, laying side to side, and for a while they just stare up at baekhyun’s ceiling in silence.

 

“yixing?” he turns his face towards him, “do you ever feel…like you’re lost? like the things you _know_ used to bring you joy just…don’t do anything for you anymore?” 

 

“sometimes, when i’m in a slump it feels like i’m not…motivated anymore, is that what you mean?”

 

“no i mean, the things that i used to love and that used to make me happy just…don’t. it feels like…a limb you know? a limb i’ve lost, and i keep reaching for it and hoping it’s there but it’s _not_ and i don’t know what to do anymore because i can’t keep pretending. all the things i lived for, all the things that _meant_ something to me, it feels like there’s a wall separating us and i can’t seem to climb it or break it or get through,” he’s crying by now, "it feels like...i'm in a dark tunnel and i can see the light at the end. the light isn't too bright, but it's bright enough for me to start running towards it, but everytime i pick up the pace it becomes dimmer and farther out of reach and i'm so exhausted you know? i'm so tired of running, i'm tired of it all. i'm running right now, but it keeps getting more and more exhausting, i'm losing my energy to keep going. it's dwindling with every passing moment, and i'm still running but it feels like i'm running out of time, that i'll just...stop soon and at this point, i don't see why i shouldn't just stop now."

 

he can’t stop crying, it’s like a dam’s been broken and everything is flooding in. he doesn’t know why he told yixing all that, he doesn’t understand why he’s burdened the other man, but it’s so lonely. it’s so hard holding everything in and walking through this blind and alone. he knows he shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have spilled so much of this secret he’s been keeping locked away inside of him, but he _can’t,_ he can’t keep going with all this _shit_ teeming out of him. he’s kept a lid on how he felt for so long the jar in which its kept in is overflowing, it’s bursting with its contents and he needed to…he needed to tell someone before he really blew up and did something stupid.

 

“i may never have the words to say to make you feel better, hell they may not even exist, but what i do know is that there’s something going on, something you’ve been keeping for so long and i wish you’d have told any of us sooner. i can’t…say i’ve ever felt that way but i’ll tell you this, this feeling you have, this seemingly never ending dark tunnel you’re in isn’t where it ends. i know…” he trailed off, face scrunching up in the dark trying to think up of the right words to say, “you think you may have to hold it all in and just…deal with it, but this isn’t something you deal with on your own you know?”

 

baekhyun couldn’t think of the words to say, his mind went completely blank for a moment so he just sighed  and let himself roll back onto his back and stare back up at the ceiling.

 

_so why does it feel like i’m all alone in this?_

 

“you didn’t have to stay with me you know that right?” baekhyun said.

 

“i know, but if it had been happening to me you would have done the same thing. you needed me, and i was there for you, just like i’ll still be there for you any other time you need me.” he still didn’t know what to say, but after a while he didn’t need to say anything, yixing fell asleep. baekhyun followed afterwards, but not for another few hours when the first rays of sunshine hit his room at the crack of dawn.

 

**_orange-yellow: creative, intelligent, detail oriented, perfectionist, scientific._ **

 

//

 

three months. it’s been three months since baekhyun’s hiatus was announced and he has yet to see any improvement in his motivation and drive to sing again. actually, baekhyun has yet to see any improvement in anything he was previously passionate about, he doesn’t want to believe that his passions just diminished into nothing, so he convinces himself he’s just lost touch. 

 

_yeah…right…just admit you’ve lost them like you’ve lost everything else._

 

baekhyun wants to yell, he wants the voice in his head to shut up for once. all he asks is for a moment of peace, one moment where it doesn’t feel like he’s chasing something that doesn’t exist. he doesn’t want to feel like there’s really nothing him tying him down anymore but he _can’t._ how do you convince yourself something you know not to be true? how can he even think of convincing himself that he hasn’t been reduced to a complete and utter waste of space and oxygen when he knows he _is?_ it’s not that baekhyun doesn’t want to look on the bright side, or whatever it is people tell you to do when you’re at your lowest, he has tried and tried, but he can’t find it. he can’t find this bright side people seem to always tell him exists, all he can see is how dark it is, and it keeps getting darker around him.

 

he’s still trying though, he tries with every breath he takes. he pushes himself out of bed in the morning, he pushes himself into taking care of his health (relatively so), he pushes himself to interact with everyone he can interact with, even when he knows there’s a chance he won’t make it that his exhaustion peaked and he knows being around other people will only serve to further drain him, he _tries_ and he doesn’t know why. which is why he has plans with jongdae. he knows he’s exhausted, he hasn’t slept since yixing left weeks ago, to no fault of yixing of course, his eyes are always bloodshot and the purple and yellow mix of colors under his eyes seem to be worsening, but he pushes himself because he has to. jongdae reached out to him, he can’t let him down, not again. 

 

_not again, not again, not again._ it rings in his head like a lullaby. _again._ baekhyun’s disappointments seem to be growing everyday. _again._ he can’t get it out of his head. _again._ there’s so much he has to apologize for, so much he’s done wrong that get worse when he tries to fix them. _again._ it won’t stop. _again._ it won’t stop, won’t stop. his palm is pressed tightly on his temples, anything to make the pounding migraine _stop,_ but it won’t stop, it won’t go away. he just wants a moment of peace, but the next few hours prove to be the exact opposite.

 

his body continues to shudder and shiver all through those hours, refusing to give baekhyun what he so desperately seeks, but he should know better. hoping and praying never works, nothing ever works anymore. he doesn’t have control over anything anymore, he can’t even bring himself to breathe sometimes, so how could he think for a moment he’d have a sliver of silence for once?

 

//

 

he tries to cover up the dark circles living beneath his eyes before going to meet jongdae, but it’s impossible they peek through the layers of concealer he puts on so he just gives up. he’s nervous, but he’s always nervous. he thinks jongdae can tell how out of it baekhyun is because he spends most of the time cheering him up, thinking baekhyun wouldn’t notice it but he does, and he wants to shake himself into normalcy, he wants to dunk cold water over his head maybe then he’ll be able to give his friend, his _friend_ who took the time to take _him_ out to dinner, to cheer _him_ up, to take _his_ mind off his troubles, the proper attention he deserves. it should go without saying baekhyun feels awful about it and will most probably torture himself over it every time he sees jongdae.

 

“you look tired, are you sure you don’t wanna cut this short?” baekhyun hates his tone, he hates himself even more for putting his friend in this position. he hates making jongdae feel like he doesn’t want to be here, he _wants_ to be there, he really does.

 

“no! no, i’m not tired i swear.” the lie slides easily from his tongue, the only thing he gets out of how bad things get is how easy it is to lie about how he feels. he _is_ tired, but there’s nothing he can do, if he goes home he won’t sleep, he’ll spend another night trying to crawl away from the _thing_ that won’t let him sleep or think properly.

 

he can see the concern written so clearly in jongdae’s face, but he chooses to not say anything. he knows how uncomfortable baekhyun seems to be when talking about whatever bothers him, so he lets it go. there’s so much he wants to say, so much he needs to make sure jongdae knows but he _can’t,_ he can’t talk about it, even if it swallows him whole, he can’t have yet another person he burdens. three is enough, three is far too much for his liking but he can’t change it, so he keeps it hidden from the others.

 

“junmyeon’s at it again, you know chanyeol told me he found him in his room sighing again because i wouldn’t laugh at his jokes? he’s unbelievable! i mean…who’s gonna tell him the only time i’ll laugh at his jokes is when they’re actually you know…funny.” jongdae laughs lightheartedly and baekhyun is glad for the distraction when he finds himself joining in on the laughter.

 

“it’s been years! you’d think that’s enough time for him and minseok to understand they need to be funny in order to make us laugh.”

 

“i don’t understand _why,”_ and there it is, his signature whine, baekhyun knew it was coming but was actually surprised it didn’t come sooner than it did, “he keeps trying, is it possible for someone who’s not funny to get even less funny?” 

 

“in junmyeon’s case, very likely.”

 

“ah i’ve missed you so much.” he says it with so much affection so easily, baekhyun wonders how he does it.

 

“i’ve-i’ve missed you too, so much. i'm sorry i've been so...distant.” 

 

“i understand, i always do. i know there's a chance you won't, but if you _do_ i just want you to remember i'm just a phone call away, if you ever need me, i want to help you, i want to be there for you.” 

 

“thank you, i don't know what to say, thank you.” it won't be enough, it will never be enough. he just hopes jongdae will understand the depth of how much it means to him.

 

“do you remember that time when you and-” jongdae rambles about a past memory (of which baekhyun is thankful for the subject change, he was starting to get uncomfortable) in such detail he is sure part of it is made up, no way someone can remember such a memory in vivid detail. jongdae spends half the time updating him on everyone, more so yixing than others, and when he teases him about it jongdae just whines again, but he can see the blush on the other’s cheeks trailing down his neck and probably down his chest. he laughs then, much to jongdae’s horror. jongdae gets him back by starting to tell embarrassing stories from _years_ ago they promised to bury and never mention again, now it’s _his_ turn to furiously turn red. his stomach hurts from how hard he laughs throughout the night. 

 

he takes his phone out and holds it above their faces to take the selfie, and when he finally takes one that isn’t blurry courtesy of his shaky hands he posts it on instagram. _it’s been too long._

 

instantly, the notifications flood his phone, it’s been months since he last posted, but he turns it off in favor of giving his full attention to jongdae. there’s still a bad feeling laying low under his skin, but he can ignore it long enough to spend more time with him. he’s glad he went out today, glad jongdae brought his spirits up and allowed him to set aside the constant loudness ringing in his head for a moments peace.

 

**_bright emerald green: a healer, also a love-centered person_ **

 

//

 

of course, the moments worth of peace wouldn’t last, baekhyun knew that. once he’s in his own apartment, with the door locked, he can feel himself falling apart again. it’s always this way, a happy facade in front of his friends melting right off the moment he steps into his home (home. what a joke, this wasn’t home to him, much like he wasn’t home to himself). his feet get heavier with every step he takes, he doesn’t miss the increasing effort it takes to breathe properly, his bones ache and crack as he steps closer and closer to his bed. baekhyun drops into his bed, any semblance of composure disappearing, melting into the soft sheets. 

 

_another night, another set of panic attacks. did you really expect otherwise? this won’t change anytime soon, stop being so surprised. it’s a fucking joke._

 

with a shuddering breath baekhyun stops. his limbs shake uncontrollably, he shouldn’t be so surprised anymore. he really shouldn’t. his breathing has stopped, he’s gasping for air now, it’s like there’s an invisible thread pulling out the air from his lungs, leaving him unable to do much but beat at his chest, praying for some sort of miracle, praying for this to be over already. angry tears stream down his cheeks, 

 

_why are you crying? you knew this would happen, you expected this. did you think your moment of peace would last?_

 

baekhyun’s shuddering turns more violent as he curls himself into a ball, letting his tears flow freely onto his new sheets, breathing still seems alien to him, but he can’t even muster the energy to calm his nerves enough to bash against his chest again, his hands don’t feel stable. nothing feels stable, he’s still the same as he was when this _thing_ hit him almost a year ago now, this isn’t going to change anytime soon. 

 

//

 

by the time his fit eases it’s close to five am, again. with a shaky breath, baekhyun steps out of bed, ignoring his still shivering body as he steps closer to his bathroom. his stomach did not agree with the amount of food he put in his body, it’s been so long since he’s had that much in one go.

 

he spends another hour in the bathroom with his head in his toilet, he’s violently shivering again, only this time it’s out of fatigue. with his back against the bathtub baekhyun wonders how much longer he can keep this up, pretending he’s alright when he knows there’s something wrong. some part of him wants to give in, another wants to give this thing a name, maybe then his efforts towards being okay again could work, maybe then trying won’t feel so useless, maybe then this’ll all go away.


	4. four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS LIKE THE TWENTIETH TIME I'VE REWRITTEN THIS. WHY WON'T IT WORK PROPERLY.
> 
> i posted another version of this yesterday but it was horrible so i've spent all of today rewriting this, i'm still not satisfied but hopefully this version is better than the other one. this one is also...much longer than i anticipated.

baekhyun hates hospitals. he hates the smell of death and disease that always seems to find its way towards him. everyone seems to be pushing him towards getting professional help, and he can’t say he’s fully against the idea but truth it he’s afraid. baekhyun couldn’t help but feel like he’d never crawl out of the hole he’s dug himself into. he can’t stop thinking that he made a mistake, that as he gradually became worse and worse he should have given what was going on with him a name. now, whatever it is is just a nameless monster hidden beneath the crevices of his skin. he can’t help but feel that this problem’s only become worse because of him, and his stubbornness and that now it’s far too late. he was afraid that by going to give it a name it would be permanent, but now he fears that by _not_ giving it a name he’s done what he was most afraid of. and now, if he were to give it a name, to go and find out what it is that’s been plaguing him for this past year especially these past few months, he’ll find his worst fear confirmed.

 

this past year…has been indescribably rough on baekhyun, with all the work he’s had to do and juggling this _thing,_ at least with work he could have something distract him from everything in his head. he tries though, everyday. he tries to make himself better, but something deep down inside tells him there’s nothing _he_ can do on his own. how do you fight something you have yet to discover? or does that mean you’ve lost the fight before its begun? he’s not stupid, he can guess what it is he refuses to name, it feels heavy on his soul.

 

_there’s nothing wrong with me._

 

an image of him lying cheek-down on the bathroom tiles a few weeks ago flashes across his mind. he tries not to think of those few weeks. he thinks back to how he fell apart before his closest friends eyes, how another one of his closest friends could see the exhaustion seeping out of him but was unable to do anything about it. 

 

_there’s nothing wrong with me._

 

an image of him on his bed pitifully appears, crystal clear in his mind. an image of junmyeon staying with him as he _showered_ because he didn’t trust himself to stay upright flashed in his mind. 

 

_there’s nothing wrong with me._

 

he thinks of nights spent staring up at the ceiling, he thinks of nights spent picking himself apart piece by piece on loop for hours on end. 

 

_there’s nothing wrong with me._

 

he thinks of _months_ spent barely getting out of bed, neglecting basic self care. he thinks of himself barely remembering to eat. he thinks of himself forgetting to drink water. he thinks of himself forgoing showering. he sees himself close to collapsing with exhaustion, and yet he is unable to find himself asleep at night. he thinks of late nights spent in the studio

 

_there’s nothing wrong with me._

 

he thinks of some nights spent in the studio, _trying_ to rekindle his love for music. trying to revive the wildfire that never seemed to be fully tamed, he tried everything, but the fire inside him just…burned out. he burned out.

 

_there’s something very wrong with me._

 

he’s lost count of how many times he’s sobbed over something he has yet to do anything about, but here he was sobbing yet again. he wished he were brave enough to officially give what he has a name, but _depression_ and _anxiety_ weren’t things people associated with him. baekhyun was always cheerful, always happy, always chirping, always loud, never sad, never down, never, never, never. baekhyun felt like he was a liar living in this skin. he couldn’t even be honest to himself.

 

//

 

self-doubt is something baekhyun _should_ be used to by now, but he’s not prepared with how strong its hold on him is. it feels like there’s a chain wrapped around his leg, like he’s pushed himself into the ocean with it, and no matter how hard he tries to swim back up, the chain weighs him down. he inevitably drowns. just _thinking_ about it made baekhyun want to back away.

 

the hospital, for once, doesn’t seem to reek of death and disease. his sunglasses act like a disguise of sorts, he doesn’t want anyone recognizing him, but they also block out a good chunk of the light, which in turn allows his sempiternal migraine to recede. only by a fraction however, but he’ll take what he can get. the mask on covering his nose and mouth are only slightly uncomfortable, but after years of wearing them they don’t feel as suffocating as they should be. he makes his way to his appointment and gives his name to the nurse sitting at the reception as silently as possible. the man tells him to be seated, that they will call for him as soon as possible. baekhyun nods and sits in the designated waiting area. anxiety gnaws at his nerves, there’s nothing he’s not afraid of apparently, and the extended waiting period only serves to make his anxiety _worse._ isn’t this a mental health facility? why would they induce such anxiety on patients. he knows he’s being irrational, but rationality doesn’t seem to be his strong suit at the moment.

 

_finally,_ after what seemed like hours a petite nurse calls his name, and he’s thankful this area of the hospital is relatively empty, being recognized won’t do him any good. he follows the shorter man into a room and the nurse tells him the doctor will be with him soon. baekhyun doesn’t fail to notice his own hands have begun shaking, he hopes he won’t have an anxiety attack in front of the doctor. his breath quickens with every passing moment, and when the doctor finally walks in baekhyun feels like he’s stopped breathing. 

 

he’s really here, he did it. he’s stopped being a coward for once in his life, so why does he have such a bad feeling about this? granted, he has a bad feeling about _everything,_ but this time it feels especially bad.

 

“hello baekhyun, i understand you’re here for a mental health check up?” the doctor looks down at him under thick-framed glasses, expecting a reply. baekhyun has to clear his throat.

 

“yes.”

 

“now the procedure is pretty standard, first we’re going to run a few physical tests just to make sure the symptoms you’re experiencing aren’t because of a physical illness or any malfunction in your body, nothing to worry about i’m sure.” he adds quickly after seeing baekhyun’s eyes widen in panic, he hadn’t been anticipating the possibility of this _not_ being a mental health related illness. baekhyun ends up not putting up a fight, and the physical procedures are done in a blur.

 

“the results shouldn’t take too long to come out, so in the meantime i have a few standard questions to ask you, i hope you’ll answer me honestly, there’s no point in lying here this is all for your benefit. and no one will have access to it but me, these are just standard questions, just to grasp what it is you think you may have. sound good?” baekhyun nods, words seem to fail him at the moment, he just wants this over with.

 

“when did you first notice your symptoms?” the doctor looks up at him again, pen in hand ready to take not of anything that comes out of baekhyun’s mouth.

 

“uh…for a while? it’s been on and off, the last time i had something like this happen was years ago, and it was only for a short while.” he stutters his way through the sentence, while the doctor scribbles down onto his notepad. baekhyun wishes the earth would split open and eat him up.

 

“how is your daily life affected by your symptoms?” baekhyun can’t breathe. how is he supposed to answer that? he can’t even discuss it with the people closest to him, let alone a complete stranger! he has to though, he shouldn’t keep it from the doctor, he _needs_ to know what’s wrong with him.

 

“i, uh…i’m sorry this is hard to speak about,” the doctor makes a noise of understanding, as if willing baekhyun to go on, “it really affected me, it’s never been this bad…i rarely sleep anymore, _everything_ is so much harder i just…i don’t know how to explain the extent of it, but it’s much easier to neglect my basic health requirements. sometimes i go…days without eating properly, days without showering, days without _getting out of bed,_ i-” his voice cracks, and the doctor stops him.

 

“i see, you don’t have to keep talking about it right now if you don’t want to, i’ve grasped the extent of it.” baekhyun is suddenly so thankful towards the doctor. his throat feels scratchy however, so he tries to drink some water to clear it up. the doctor continues to ask him some questions, all of which baekhyun tried to answer as succinctly as possible, not really wishing to delve into the gruesome details, but it’s hard not to when the doctor presses for more information.

 

“thank you for your honesty baekhyun, we’ll get back to you with the results and the final diagnosis in a few days, so we’ll need you to come in again. it sounds like it may be a depressive disorder or an anxiety disorder, or a mixture of both, but we’ll make sure before getting back to you. _if_ it is what i assume it is, then we’ll have you be treated with psychotherapy _and_ medication, this ensures you’ll be getting the most effective treatment. the medication may take a over a month to start kicking in, so if you do end up on medication you’ll have follow up appointments every once in a while to see if it’s working as it should or if you need to switch the medication. there _may_ be therapy sessions you will need to attend, these usually last anytime from six months to a year, and of course you’ll start decreasing your visits when your symptoms are less severe. do you have any questions?” it’s a lot to take in, and baekhyun feels his palms sweating as his hands shake behind his back, it may be…so much to take in at the moment, but it’s all understood.

 

with that, the doctor bids him goodbye, and baekhyun leaves the hospital. he still feels like he can’t breathe properly and his doubt continues to accumulate, but baekhyun can ignore the bulk of it. 

 

//

 

baekhyun invites everyone over to his apartment in a silent celebration. of course baekhyun doesn’t tell them the reason behind it, but it’s nice to have everyone around him again. the eight men crowd into baekhyun’s usually spacious apartment, and he marvels at how different it is when it’s completely filled to the brim. food is strewn around them as their conversations continue to increase in volume, and for once baekhyun doesn’t mind the loudness, this time he welcomes it. he’s not actively taking part in their conversations like he used to, but it’s nice to pretend everything’s back to normal.

 

he finds himself leaning into chanyeol’s embrace sometimes, eyes closed as if he were sleeping, when in reality he was just taking a breather. his fear of the outcome of his appointment seemed to be eating him up more and more as the night progresses, but when he’s near chanyeol everything is silenced for once. chanyeol and baekhyun, baekhyun and chanyeol, the two were almost inseparable. there was just something about chanyeol that drew baekhyun in, something calming, something _peaceful,_ and baekhyun needed as much peace as he can get. chanyeol was always bright, in a never ending cheerful state, even when baekhyun knew he held the worries of the world on his shoulders. it wasn’t that chanyeol was never sad, he just didn’t cling onto the pain that tries to wreak havoc in his life, not the way baekhyun did. chanyeol dealt with his problems in a healthy manner (something baekhyun has yet to learn). he loves chanyeol’s company, he loves the feeling he gets when he’s with chanyeol, everything settles into place for once. the thoughts in his head that almost are constantly whirling past him quiet down. 

 

baekhyun smiled, it was a soft, relieved smile. he could hear their laughter and boisterous voices continuing to grow in volume, but he didn’t mind for once. for once the loudness of the room didn’t threaten to draw out every breath baekhyun wants to take, leaving him with nothing but a gasping sensation that doesn’t allow him to take that breath he needs to take in. the loudness is…comforting. he’s longed for the day where he can sit with his friends and not feel himself folding into himself trying to keep an anxiety attack from taking him then. chanyeol doesn’t mind the extra weight, or at least if he did he hasn’t said anything about it, it certainly doesn’t stop his friend from his excessive hand gestures and increasingly loud argumentative voice.

 

he feels good. he hopes it’ll last however, he hopes that when he’s left alone he won’t fall apart, he hopes whatever it is ruining him will hold out. 

 

_just one night. please._

 

//

 

baekhyun couldn’t find it in him to spend the night alone. he may or may not have basically begged someone to stay with him, his panic was evident enough in his voice that his friends spent the better part of ten minutes arguing about who’s going to stay. in the end chanyeol won out, somehow. he didn’t mind it, didn’t mind the comfort that never seemed to leave him when chanyeol was around. he was so glad chanyeol was the one who stayed. of course he appreciates the others dedication to his well being and wouldn’t have minded any of them staying in his stead, but chanyeol was different. 

 

“you know, i haven’t slept properly in so long. like…i think the last time i slept over four hours was maybe six months ago? i don’t even remember at this point.” it felt so casual, so _easy,_ to talk about the way he felt with chanyeol. it was like the words just flowed out of him, it wasn’t a conscious effort, wondering if the descriptive way he was speaking in made sense to the other person. it wasn’t him scrambling to find the right words to say. it was a constant ebb of words, words that made _sense_ for once.

 

“doesn’t it get to you?”

 

“of course it does, but i can’t do anything about it i guess i’ve just become used to it. i’m not gonna lie about how rough it’s been this past year, and i know i kept a lot of it from you guys, but not sleeping is probably the worst part you know? i’m always up so my brain is always running with all these depressing thoughts and i can’t seem to get a break, i don’t sleep so it’s there at all hours.”

 

“why haven’t you gone to get it checked out?”

 

“actually, and i haven’t told the others about this, but i went earlier today. they predicted what may be the problem but they ran a few tests. they said they’ll get back to me in a few days.” baekhyun was breathless, his heart was racing just thinking about it, both out of fear and anticipation. he would finally be getting answers, after so long of not being okay he could really start to heal. chanyeol was almost bouncing off the walls in happiness.

 

“we’ve all been trying to conspicuously hint that maybe you _should_ go get checked out, that professional help may be the best thing for you. so hearing you did, without our pressure is a relief. this is a step in the direction of you healing baekhyun.” chanyeol’s smile was comforting, and baekhyun (not for the first time that night) was so glad it was chanyeol who stayed. silence fell between the two, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just _there._ at some point baekhyun fell asleep, for once sleep lulled over him without the heavy feeling in his chest, without the constant thoughts that ate him up, just…a dreamless, thoughtless, _quiet_ sleep.

 

**_light or pale yellow: emerging psychic and spiritual awareness; optimism and hopefulness; positive excitement about new ideas._ **

 

//

 

he slept for six hours.

 

_six fucking hours._

 

he wouldn’t shut up about it, there wasn’t anyone he _didn’t_ text about. it was a good day. this was a sign that it was working out, maybe not forever, but for now he’s okay. at least okay enough to be able to push away the bulk of bad thoughts that never really left him. 

 

_it was going to be a good day. a_ good _day._

 

//

 

a few days later he seemed to be paying the price of _one_ okay day. the dark thing in him seemed to want to collect its dues. it taunted him for thinking that feeling of peace would last. baekhyun didn’t know why he was surprised.

 

_what you thought a measly six hours of sleep would make it go away? did you think_ sleep _would solve your problems?_

 

baekhyun had plans with kyungsoo today, and he completely forgot about it. he loved kyungsoo’s company, but today of all days was the worst in a while. he had gotten out of bed alright, but only to spend a few hours with his head held over the toilet, spilling out all that was in him and then some. his shivering only barely receded when he heard the doorbell ring. his head was spinning with every step he took towards the door, and when he looked into the peep hole to meet kyungsoo’s perpetual wide eyed gaze, he swore to himself. there was dried saliva on his cheek, and some vomit on his chin. he was in no state to greet anyone, especially not when his shaking started up again.

 

“give me a minute!” he tried to make his voice sound distant, and when he heard kyungsoo’s murmured _alright,_ he rushed (as quietly as possible) back into the bathroom. baekhyun couldn’t stop shaking he couldn’t push it all away again, but he would have to put up a facade for kyungsoo. he refused to send him back. so he willed himself to keep his shaking to a minimum, willed himself to breathe, willed himself to _pretend_ one more time. he opened the door.

 

“don’t tell me you forgot?” kyungsoo has always been blunt, and baekhyun finds it hard to lie to him, but after years of white lies this one is easy enough.

 

“of course not, just you know…tired.” it’s a pathetic excuse, but everything hurts and it’s hard to think any more than he already was. his migraine pressed down on him, it felt debilitating, but he had to push through it. 

 

_for kyungsoo._

 

“so how’re you feeling today?” _horrible, i just spent the morning with my head in the toilet vomitting up food i didn’t know i ate. the worst day in a while, even now i can barely keep myself together. please don’t notice my shivering, don’t notice how pale i am, don’t notice how i’m struggling to remember to breathe, please._

 

“oh, you know it’s been okay, or as okay as i can get. how have you been?” his migraine won’t recede, leaving him hoping his grimace isn’t too obvious. 

 

“i’ve been resting often, i don’t really have much to do out when we’re not promoting you know.” baekhyun knows kyungsoo doesn’t mean to hurt him, but he can’t help but wince slightly. he knows he’s holding them back, they’re all restless for a comeback, all restless to do _something._ but they aren’t…because of him.

 

“i’m sorry.”

 

“you know i wasn’t complaining right? i was just saying it’s nice, to be resting i mean.” but he couldn’t stop feeling bad. 

 

_is there anything you know how to do? not only do you burden them, you hold them back from their_ jobs, _from their passions. can you get any worse?_

 

it just won’t _stop,_ the pounding in his head keeps multiplying, breathing somehow gets even _harder_ to do, and his shivering turns more violent. he stands up to go to the bathroom and lock himself in until it somewhat recedes but he can’t, the moment he gets up he feels lightheaded. his body suddenly feels like a feather and his vision blurs with what he can barely make out as black spots in his vision. and he drops to the floor.

 

//

 

“baekhyun!” is the first thing he hears when he regains consciousness. it couldn’t have been too long else wise he would have found himself in an ambulance instead of his own apartment. he’s swelled with relief when he realizes that, he doesn’t want to go to the hospital. actually, that’s the _last_ thing he wants to do. baekhyun doesn’t think he’s heard kyungsoo be this loud in a while, which triggers another wave of guilt, it was already accumulating and this made it that much worse.his hands already started shaking, and the urge to throw up kept growing. kyungsoo wasted no time, he forced baekhyun to lay down on his own couch and hurried into the kitchen. he came back with something to eat and some water. overtime baekhyun made a move to get up kyungsoo pushed him back down onto the couch.

 

“you need to _rest,_ at least twenty minutes of you laying down.” baekhyun couldn’t argue, he was too tired, and his migraine still wouldn’t leave him alone. kyungsoo sat on the coffee table in front of the couch.

 

“you don’t need to do this on your own you know that? shouldering this alone isn’t going to help you heal. holding it all in isn’t going to make it not be real. there’s something wrong, i know it, you know it, we all know it, and we ultimately can’t make you do anything but there’s no shame in asking for help. if not from us, then from a professional. something happened and you’re afraid of admitting it’s there, but it is and ignoring it will only make it grow. so _please_ get some help, i’ll go with you if you want me to, i’ll do anything you want if it means you’re getting the help you need.” his heart swelled with compassion, he didn’t even know what he did to deserve such good friends when baekhyun himself was absolutely _useless_ in every regard.

 

“i…went a few days ago. to see a professional i mean.” baekhyun finally admits, and kyungsoo’s gaze softens.

 

“i know you’re doing your best, and that you’re trying but this isn’t something for you to deal with alone. i’m relieved to hear you’ve gone to get help though. _thank you._ ” why was he thanking him? baekhyun should be the one thanking kyungsoo. 

 

“you shouldn’t be thanking me for anything, i haven’t done anything deserving of it. _you_ on the other hand have. thank you kyungsoo, i know i’m not the easiest person to be friends with right now, but your support…” he trails off, “god you don’t know how much it means to me. it’s so hard, so _so hard,_ but i didn’t know what else to do. i didn’t mean for things to get so out of hand, i just thought it would go away, i don’t know how it’s gotten so bad.” he wants to cry, he really does but it feels like all his tears dried up, it’s a dry sob that comes out though. which is almost _worse_ than if his tears wouldn’t stop streaming down his face. kyungsoo place his hand in baekhyun’s and he doesn’t say anything. that’s okay though, baekhyun knows kyungsoo’s strong suit hasn’t been with words, he’s _there_ and he knows he’s there, that’s enough for him.

 

**_blue: cool, calm, and collected. caring, loving, love to help others, sensitive, intuitive._ **

 

//

 

baekhyun spent the night in his bathroom after kyungsoo left. it was close to midnight when he checked the time. the time passed in blurs. one minute it was midnight, and then after a series of fits and vomiting it was past two am. this isn’t fair, it never has been, and never will be. kyungsoo was right, they were all right. baekhyun can’t keep doing this on his own, he doesn’t trust himself anymore, but he doesn’t know what to do. his sobbing leads him to yet _another_ fit of anxiety, and his head is once more held above the toilet, his heaving breaths don’t seem to recede until he lays his cheek on the cold, cold tiles. sometime between four and five am, baekhyun drifts off into another two hour sleep.

 

//

 

a week from his first appointment, baekhyun gets a call from the hospital to schedule his follow up appointment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw!! i'm not...an expert!! so this may be inaccurate i apologize :( i've also never been to a mental health specialist so...this is just based on the research i did, hopefully it's not too inaccurate but if it is let me know!!


	5. five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i finished this before finals ended

baekhyun ended up being diagnosed with melancholic depression and generalized anxiety disorder. something in him felt relieved, like the knot tightly wound inside him began to loosen. so he gave it a name, or well to be more accurate, a _doctor_ gave it a name. it’s no longer the faceless, nameless monster that haunts him, which isn’t to say it’s magically disappeared, but it’s easier to bear the illness when he now _knows_ what it is. all the while baekhyun was at the hospital with the doctor conversing about his mental illnesses he found himself remembering where he was, and what he was doing in a cycle, as if he himself still couldn’t believe the initiative he took for himself.

 

the doctor warned him beforehand that in all probability he would be taking medication as well as attending therapy sessions, which baekhyun didn’t mind at first but found himself becoming increasingly worried about. he didn’t want his illness to be broadcasted to the world, but that was hard when he is as popular as he is, he found himself struggling to think of ways to keep it from the public’s eye, but this accumulating fear proved to be as restless as usual, overriding his ability to think straight. he didn’t want to have an anxiety attack in front of the doctor, so he hoped with all his being that this would subside and pass. 

 

“baekhyun? are you listening?” the doctor asks him, he doesn’t sound annoyed with baekhyun for not paying attention, which confuses him.

 

“oh, i’m sorry i guess i was caught up in my thoughts, could you repeat that?”

 

“i asked if you had any questions for me.”

 

“oh no, that’s alright you’ve clarified everything for me, thank you doctor.”

 

“alright well, you’ll need to head to the hospital’s pharmacy to pick up your prescription and we’re done for now.”

 

baekhyun took the slip of paper with the stereotypical incorrigible handwriting of a doctor, and picked up the bottle of prozac and went home to allow the thoughts in his head, that spent the whole appointment churning, out of his system. 

 

//

 

baekhyun spent the fifth month of his break alone. he made sure to take his medication on time and went to his therapy sessions. most of all, baekhyun let himself try and get comfortable with solitude. the previous year has held countless amounts of loneliness and isolation, but baekhyun knew this was different. this wasn’t an uncomfortable solitude, more like…getting to know an old friend. he wasn’t okay, he hadn’t been okay in so long and this was by no means _okay,_ but it was a start.

 

he went to movies on his own, learned to not hold in his laughter when it tugged and tugged at him, learned to be able to stomach the thought of being on his own for once. he spent three days in and out of the cafe near his apartment with a book in hand, voraciously reading through it. he spent weeks in his apartment trying to wake up the slumbering beast inside of him, hoping that he didn’t lose touch with music as he once thought he did, but rather…took a break, as he did. he tried to stir its snoozing presence by playing piano, by doing vocal runs, just generally by doing _anything_ that could help. it’s not that it didn’t work, it just…wasn’t the same. he decided it would be best to put it aside for now, lest he drive himself into some unwanted episode. he did however write new music. it wasn’t anything grand or marvelous, it embodied the way he felt, but it felt incomplete, like something so crucial, so important was missing. he missed music, missed the way it moved him like nothing else, missed the sensation it left in him after he was done with a performance, he missed the nights spent with his friends practicing and practicing till the sun came up. he missed it so much it scared him, it scared him to think that his passion for music could had dwindled to such a pitiful state. he didn’t want to dwell on it.

 

he also didn’t want to note the amount of episodes he’s had. the nights he spends wide awake, struggling to breathe still tormented him, the nights spent in the bathroom, with his cheek on the toilet seat as he tries to regain composure after getting sick still occur. he’s not _cured,_ he’s still mentally ill. still struggling to get out of bed every single day. still finding it difficult to remember to eat. still finding it hard to recall letting his friends know he’s not missing. life was not easy to him, and it wouldn’t be easy to him, his life wasn’t going turn around suddenly. he wasn’t happy, and he didn’t think he could find it in him to ever truly be happy, but it was something, and something was still better than nothing.

 

//

 

baekhyun was lounging in his living room, legs stretched onto his couch with a book in his lap when someone rang the doorbell. he opened his door to reveal a heaving jongin with three dog leashes tangled in his long legs. jongin’s dogs themselves were walking around, further tangling the leashes on jongin’s legs.

 

“back! sorry to ambush you, i was just walking them nearby and well…wanted to see if you wanted to tag along. you don’t have to if you don’t want to!” he gives him a smile as if to say, _i really want you to come,_ and baekhyun can’t bring himself to ever say no to jongin, so he gives him a smile instead.

 

“of course i want to, let me just put on my shoes. besides…you look like you’re struggling.” baekhyun laughed as jongin’s whole face morphed from being hesitant and broke out into a smile.

 

he stepped out of his apartment and tried to help jongin detangle the leashes caught in his legs as quickly as possible. they don’t say much at first, choosing to let the silence between them blossom and settle, but it didn’t last, as jongin was the first to break it.

 

“things have been so different these past few months,” his expression changed when he saw baekhyun wince, “not as in…bad different, just a different dynamic. we’re so used to having you around us, our happy pill of sorts, i think we all got caught up in that idea of you so it became hard to believe you were going through something. we all saw how much you’ve changed, we’ve all noted how different you looked and acted, but we didn’t do anything. mostly out of hope that you’d talk to us, but partly because we just couldn’t fathom how hard it’s been, and for that part of us i wanna apologize. i’m sorry if we made you think we were careless in our friendship to you.”

 

“no! not at all, i chose to keep it from you, i didn’t want anyone to know. i still don’t, not really, but there was so much i could have done differently. i shut you guys out and that wasn’t really fair of me, so _i’m_ sorry. you weren’t careless, i was too careful and i thought it would be best to keep up that image you had of me.”

 

“there’s nothing for you to apologize for, i just hope things are different for you as well.”

 

“they’re changing…” baekhyun let himself trail off, “were you _really_ walking them near my apartment or did you plan it?” jongin grinned sheepishly as his cheeks became tinged with a wash of pink, it was too cute really.

 

“i just wanted to see you on my own, without the others around. we haven’t been together in so long, i missed you.” jongin slight pout caused baekhyun to break out into a fit of laughter.

 

“you could have just called me and planned something out with me.”

 

“well sure…but are you really complaining now?” jongin counters, with a slight lift to his eyebrow.

 

“can’t say i am! what i _will_ do though is treat you to dinner after we drop your dogs off. if you’re up for it that is.” 

 

“you love me so much.” to this, baekhyun agrees as he tells him to focus on allowing janggu, monggu, and jangga to get as much walking done as possible.

 

**_yellow-green: creative with heart, communicative._ **

 

//

 

baekhyun managed to keep the food he ate with jongin in his stomach, but he felt nauseous all through the night. he thinks it may have to do with his medication, but he knows his habit of throwing up most of the food he eats has been with him since before he started his medication.

 

it still feels surreal, thinking about how he went and got himself the help he needed. it doesn’t feel real, and he doesn’t think it’ll be any less shocking to him as time passes on, but for once he finds himself thankful for something he’s done.

 

he thinks back to the start of this, thinks to how severe it was (and still is at times), and something in him akin to pride flourishes, but not quite. if he had told himself from a year ago that he would have done what he did, he’d call himself a filthy liar. it was that hard to grasp sometimes.

 

sometimes it felt like he hadn’t gotten any help at all, the nights that are too reminiscent of the worst of times often times feel as though they outnumber the nights where baekhyun is lulled to sleep with the sound of rain or beach waves in the background. the days where its impossible to get out of bed in the morning stay with him, they don’t magically disappear, and are severe enough to sometimes make baekhyun forget about the good. but the fact that there _are_ good times is what pushes him ahead, pushes him to keep trying.

 

it’s new, this healing thing, but baekhyun can’t say he hates it, not at all.

 

//

 

sehun fell sick. he wasn’t violently ill, it didn’t necessitate a hospital visit, but it sounded bad enough. so he found himself rushing to the younger man’s apartment. he found the door unlocked, which he made a mental note to scold him for because _anyone_ could have barged in, he let himself ignore it when he saw sehun’s state. 

 

the younger man was in bed, his face was extremely blanched and nauseated, he was covered with a light blanket but his body was sweaty and feverish. worry began to settle into the pores of baekhyun’s skin, why hadn’t he gone to a hospital yet?

 

“hey baekhyun..” his voice sounded weak and hoarse, either from throwing up or from lack of use, neither of those sounded good to baekhyun.

 

“what happened?” 

 

“must’ve ate something bad…”

 

“why haven’t you gone to a hospital yet?” baekhyun knew he was doting, but he couldn’t ignore it.

 

“too sick, plus…it’s going to pass soon…just give it time.” it was taking sehun an increasing amount of effort to continue talking, his face turned almost green with sickness, as he lifted the covers off his body and staggered into his bathroom to throw up…once again. baekhyun’s worrying continued to increase but ultimately he knew sehun was right. this didn’t warrant a hospital visit if it was just something he ate. besides, there’s not much a doctor could do considering the fact that this was most likely a virus and antibiotics wouldn’t do much for him.

 

baekhyun went into the bathroom, where he found sehun with his cheek on the toilet seat, and flashes of his bad nights came to him immediately but he refused to let it overtake him, he was trying to take care of his sick friend, the last thing he needed was for himself to have an episode. the smell of vomit was offensive, but baekhyun’s used to it by now so he helped the sehun to his feet and helped him settle back into bed. 

 

“have you been drinking or eating _anything_?” baekhyun asked.

 

“not…really, been throwing up all day.” baekhyun nodded in response as he got up and went into his kitchen, looking for something for sehun to drink and eat. 

 

**_pastel: a sensitive blend of light and color, more so than basic colors. shows sensitivity and a need for serenity._ **

 

//

 

baekhyun spent the entire day with sehun, trying to take care of the younger man, it seemed like junmyeon wouldn’t be home for a while. every once in a while he’d have sehun take small sips of water and nibble on something to eat that wouldn’t upset his stomach too much. of course he helped sehun when he felt too weak to get to the bathroom to throw up, or to actually _use_ the bathroom.

 

“you know, you didn’t have to stay with me today.” sehun said.

 

“of course i did, what kind of friend would i be if i didn’t take care of you. besides, it’s nice to be the one taking care of someone else instead of the other way around, like it usually is for me.”

 

“so how have _you_ been?”

 

“i’ve been…better than before, still not the best, but it’s something.”

 

“i’m glad you’ve been better baekhyun.” at this, sehun cracks an uneasy smile, his skin is still so pale, but better than it was when he first came, and baekhyun finds himself grinning in response. he scolds the younger man for leaving his door unlocked and sehun whined that he was too sick to lock it.

 

eventually baekhyun fell asleep after sehun did, it was an uncomfortable sleep seeing as though he was sitting upright, but junmyeon roused him from his sleep late at night and told him to go home, that he’d take care of sehun. baekhyun nodded in a sleepy haze and somehow drove himself home, where he fell back asleep as soon as his head hit the pillows.

 

//

 

it wouldn’t be for a while that baekhyun ended his hiatus and rejoined exo, he didn’t want to rush into things and upset the progress he’s been making with himself. both, the therapy and the medication played a large role into getting baekhyun more comfortable and back to what he was before everything became so severe. he still wasn’t quite the same, and most probably would never be the same as he was before, but it wasn’t a bad change.

 

there are still days that his bed holds him captive, where it’s easy to neglect his basic needs, where his mind is a clock that never stops ticking, where his hands are not under his control anymore, where breathing becomes a voluntary action, where he reminds himself to keep his cool, but he was never under the pretense that there wouldn’t be. he never held any hope that his depression and anxiety would magically disappear, he knew there was a great chance he’d carry the weight of it along with him for the rest of his life, but it will never be as bad as it once was.

 

he somehow succeeded in keeping his mental illness away from the public eye, he didn’t do it in shame, it just felt too personal for him to be so open about it. maybe it was a matter of time, maybe one day he’d be able to comfortably talk about it with strangers, but it was still new. talking to his friends was hard enough, opening up about when it’s hard for him is challenging enough for him.

 

baekhyun was able to somehow rekindle his love for music once again, the songs he’s written no longer feel like there’s a gaping hole that’s missing from it. when he sings, it isn’t the same as it once was, but his voice seemed to be brimming with newfound emotion, he finds himself opening up to things he didn’t even know existed. it felt like he really grasped the music now, could taste the feelings put into each and every lyric, could embody the terrifying pain and grief in some of the songs he gets to sing. his own work seems like a diary of the hardest year of baekhyun’s life, it was too personal for him to show it to others, so he kept it his own comforting secret.

 

it’s a constant push and pull dynamic, but baekhyun can’t deny the progress he’s made, can’t deny how much better he’s gotten, and it may not be perfect, it may not be happiness in it’s unadulterated definition, but it was something he’d work on, and would continue to work for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this last one was a lot shorter than the others but recovery (or at least the road to it) is hard to write okay ;-; 
> 
> not 2 be cheesy but the one person who knows who i am...love you thank you for the support you gave me...okay cheesy time Up.
> 
> this was an absolute monster to write, and was originally only really supposed to be a 4k word fic but...i got carried away with the rewrite. 
> 
> also...thanks for reading this absolute mess it's by no means perfect but i have a love-hate relationship with it


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